Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
