A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
