i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
