Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
