yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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