I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
