I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
How does it feel to date your dad?
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