So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
