On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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