Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
