I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Then you guys just all showered together...?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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