I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I AM VODKA MAN
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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