My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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