im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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