We're facebook friends in real life
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize