She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
