I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
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I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
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Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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