You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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