You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
