Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
