I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Ketchup is God's man juice
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
