Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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