Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
