I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Found the puke drawer
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
