Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
