Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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