omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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