I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
