i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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