listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
