Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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