I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
