so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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