I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
