So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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