he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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