i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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