I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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