I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
