watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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