I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
