it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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