I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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