a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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