I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
