She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
