You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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