Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
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It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
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I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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