dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize