Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
