you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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