I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm really busy with my period
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