she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
