hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
