You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
